Keyboard classics

What happens if a monkey types on a keyboard for an infinite amount of time and doesn’t produce the complete works of William Shakespeare? You could easily wind up with the kind of convoluted copy I’ve come across lately.

• Letter from a financial company:
  “A recharacterization nullifies a previous contribution or conversion; it’s as if the contribution or conversion never occurred.
• The seat belt section of a car owners manual:
  “The physical principles of a frontal collision are simple. Both the moving vehicle and the passenger in the vehicle possess energy, which varies with vehicle speed and body weight. Engineers call this energy ‘kinetic energy.’”

Then there is the painfully obvious style of writing:

• Instructions for hair styling iron: “Never use while drowsy or while sleeping.”
• Again, the car owners manual: “Always make sure that no one is in the way of the power sunroof when it is closing.”

My advice for copywriters? Write for the reader. Not the lawyer. Not the courtroom your client is trying to avoid. Not for what you think might be the lowest common denominator. Give your customers a little more credit than that. Please.

The infinite monkey (or cat) theorem makes a fine metaphor for exploring the mathematics of probability, just don’t monkey with the concepts of clarity and common sense in the content of your writing.

Car Sense

It's been three weeks now, and I'm still getting used to my new GTI. It's not as easy as "sign and drive," as Volkswagen would have you believe.

First you have to figure out where everything is...how to turn it on...and, even more important, how to turn it off. Fog lights? Who knew you had to pull out the push knob?

Of course there's the owners manual, but wading through all the sidebars of warnings makes for disjointed and annoying reading, while limiting sustained comprehension.

Some differences between now and the last time I bought a car, in 1998:

• A seat heater with three settings: on, really warm, and ouch.
• A manual transmission with six gears. I learned to drive when three was the norm; what do I do with the leftovers?
• A stick shift with "hill hold," so you don't slip backward on hills when getting into first gear from a dead stop. It's a verrrrrry nice feature that I often forget about while I'm feathering the gas and clutch.
• A keyless entry system -- another wonderful feature because I can open the door without routing through my pocketbook for the key. I just don't trust the car not to lock me out with my pocketbook (and key) inside it.

I'm sure that I'll eventually learn every nook and cranny of this new car, just as I did my 12-year-old BMW. In the meantime, I'm having lots of fun just winging it.

Hands-on driving

I’ve been driving a BMW for more than a dozen years. That’s not to brag; it’s the same car. I got in two jobs and a career change ago.

Still, I’ve put less than 85,000 miles on it, mostly because my commute has shrunk from across state lines to down the hall.

It’s the classic story of a gently used car owned by a little old lady who only drives it around town.

Now it’s time to part ways, as I take ownership of a 2011 VW GTI on Friday. The old Bimmer has a lot of life left in her, so I uploaded a page to the Web to tout her qualities. Now I'm responding to inquiries.

The only sticking point so far has been the stick. Yes, it’s a manual transmission. A stick shift. Four on the floor.  (Actually, it’s a five speed.)

And that’s an issue.

So not only am I selling a car, I’m coaching people about learning to drive stick. Imagine that. Where are all the hard-core driving enthusiasts? The feel-of-the-road guys? The performance drivers? How have so many been lulled into automatics?

Used or not, my car remains one of the “ultimate driving machines,” according to BMW branding. It's a stick; my previous car was a stick; and my new car is...a stick.

Hard to believe so many people are missing out on the fun of real hands-on driving.

Fun for fools

I'm not looking for a full-time job. I'm not even looking for a part-time job. AMY INK keeps me quite busy, I'm happy to say. Still, I never miss an issue of Ned's Job of the Week. I read the Monday morning email regularly -- and pass it on when I think one of my colleagues might have an interest.

With today being April Fools' Day, do yourself a favor by skimming through this fun read. The issue for March 32, 2011, is packed with clever turns on the usual job-search stuff.

And don't miss the "One Haiku Pitch." For example...

(From Milton Longfellow:)
I’m a hard worker;
And the restraining order
Expires in two weeks.

(From Nigel Turntable:)
Looking for a change.
Actually, I need change;
Must pay Comcast bill.

I know that being out of work, or looking for a better job, is certainly no joke. I hope Ned's April Fools' edition helps to lighten your day.

***To subscribe to Ned's weekly job listings, send a blank e-mail to: JOTW-subscribe@topica.com.